In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Welp...herpes.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
