She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
