oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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