Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
