For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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