you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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