i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
