This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
