he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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