well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
