I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
