Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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