so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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