Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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