Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
