I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
