my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
