You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize