nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
