marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
