I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
