i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
