I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
