I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
as a side note pls kill me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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