i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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