dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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