i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
