Please, let me fuck your mom
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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