I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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