If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
