I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
