She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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