if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
