Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
