there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
