he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
