This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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