I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
