Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
