Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
