my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
