who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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