Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
