Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
