Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
