So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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