Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
