mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
