Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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