This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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