just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
