His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
