i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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