You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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